I have felt mildly crappy to fucking awful in varying degrees for roughly a month now. My ears are perpetually blocked - every so often there is a moment of clarity and I can HEAR but for the most part it's like shitty headphones or earplugs that won't quite stay or having just one ear plug in. It's very disorienting and an added level of clumsiness to my actual physical body.
This whole situation of germs and mucus and then a Covid kid has upended life in many ways.
Just before the arrival of them, I did a video interview for a part-time position at Target. Money is The Real American Fucker, you know? It all felt very awkward and weird. The day after submitting the interview I started to feel unwell. Just a tickle. I thought I could Mind Over Matter it, but turns out I couldn't. After five days if it, I got the email offering me the position and then all the shit I had to do if I accepted it, as well as the starting date for orientation. It was about six days away. I thought I would be fine. I was not. And now the kid was feeling less than great. I called and managed to push it up a week. I still wasn't 100% but figured I could tough my way through it, like we told Hazel she could do, as well. We both made it through Wednesday. The next day was a half day for her, so I was home. Plus it was Therapy Thursday. When she got home from the half day, I could tell, just see it, that she was feeling rough, and she went to lay down. We wound up at an urgent care and left with a positive covid test for her, and a negative one for me. I was supposed to begin my first day of training on Friday, from 9-2, and then I'd go in the next day at 5:00 am (why did I say I was available that early? The cats often wake me up at 4 am with their various noises, so I figured why not? That's not really a good reason. I see that now.... and I've tweaked my availability accordingly) That did not happen.
Obviously shit happens so they weren't bothered. I'm just training to be another cog in the massive retail machine that is Target. It's now Thursday. Again. Yesterday was the first time that the child and the spouse left the house for their various jobs. I tried to catch my breath. I was taken off the schedule until I could be there again. I figure that will be tomorrow, but I haven't received an email back yet, and maybe I should just call the store but my brain won't let me at the moment.
And now it's ELEVEN days until Christmas. This whole process began in the beginning of November and I would have already been working and making money. Money. A shitty fucking thing that ruins lives. Capitalism is destructive as fuck and destroys bodies and minds and nature, most good things really, and why? What for?
The world is watching Israel drop bombs on Gaza. So many dead people. So many dead children and babies. So much destruction. Started by religion and colonizers and funded by good old American Capitalism. And here I am, bitching about my cold and money, the stack of past due bills on the table across from me, giving me a big old middle finger... But. But.... there is always a but(t)
I've got to put the words somewhere and sometimes typing them out here and dumping them into the ether is necessary. I will/must try to put things into perspective, while still holding space for the present moment and the feelings that come with it. Like, being pissed about the past month while simultaneously knowing that shortly, it won't matter and the month will be over, and I can move on to the next shituation.
Okay. Time for the second pot.
Comments
Post a Comment