Five Weeks

Today makes five weeks.

Today I am waiting for the repo people to come and tow my mother's out of the driveway. I do not know why it has taken so long, but it has. To the point where the car has quite an impressive layer of pollen on it. Today's rain is delaying the pickup time, so it is still here. And I am waiting.  

During a telehealth session with my new therapist last week, someone started knocking on the door. From where I was sittin in the dining room, I could not see the front door. But it has a large pane of glass and I knew if I leaned to the left to look down the hall, whoever was at the door would be able to see me, too. And since I wasn't expecting anyone and I was mid-sob in my session, I ignored the knocking, and eventually it stopped. I figured it was the guy who keeps trying to sell us solar panels, or verizon fios, and kept on with my crying and talking until my time was up. Afterwards I found a post-it stuck to the front door with the name Bob and a phone number, with the note "call me." 

Um. No. 

So I took a picture of the note and sent it to Trever, who promptly called this Bob. 

Turns out Bob is just some random drunk sounding old guy who wanted to know what we were doing with the toyota in the driveway, he'd noticed it had been sitting in the driveway for awhile and wondered if we were selling it. WTF BOB. DO YOU SEE A SALE SIGN? DON'T FUCKING KNOCK ON MY DOOR YOU FUCKING FUCK. 

I feel violated by this in a way that doesn't make sense until I start thinking about my high school boyfriend who would just come into my house whenever he wanted, in the middle of the night, banging on my bedroom window at 2 am, showing up crying to my mom so she would let him in even when he was fucking his best friend's girlfriend, emotionally (sometimes physically) abusing me, fucking stalking me,  and I tried over and over to leave him. One time I hid in the bathroom of the place we went to play pool, because he came looking for me, and I ended up staying in the bathroom for two and half hours. My friends went home without me that night. 

So now it's all clicked. Why I've always felt safer with locked doors and windows that people can't peer into. Why I have a routine when I am home that involves pacing the house and looking out the windows to see if someone is there that shouldn't be. Maybe I am NOT just a nosey neighbor? 

Will I ever feel safe? Or normal? and what do those words even fucking mean?