After taking a shower - a strictly late summer before bed shower where one really just scrubs their absolutely filthy feet, and yes, this involves sitting in the shower, and yes, I am depressed, but those two things do not necessarily need to go hand in hand... after all it is NOT easy to thoroughly clean one's feet while standing up - I was staring down at my feet. Yep, those same ones I just cleaned. They still look gross. Let's be real here. Big ass bunions, calluses, and toe nail fungus is not a winning combination. And now, the newest addition: scabs from where I've scratched the tops of my feet raw. Stress scratching? Reaction to the poison ivy that fills our yard? Dirty shoes? A combination of all three? That's my guess. And while I was staring down at my feet with this intense feeling of shame and embarrassment, I felt compelled to write about it... or more accurately, to spew forth word vomit into the ether. The actual act of writing is not what I need right now. Writing with a pen on paper is a vastly different experience to me than whatever it is I am doing right now. What I need are thought dumps - so consider this the trash heap of my brain?
And then I thought about my brain. And how many times throughout my life I have taken to this. Putting words down. Thinking that my thoughts are somehow important enough that people should read them. Thinking that my thoughts are somehow relevant to another person, that maybe I can help someone else like me, me swirling in a brain stew for the past twenty some odd years, attempting to survive this bullshit that is life. And then of course, of course, the next thoughts are all about the why bothers and what fors and who cares and you're actually not anything special and look at all the teeny tiny stupid shit you can't seem to manage like an actual grown up.
And then I think about the people that are actually successful and happy and I am convinced they aren't real, they are in denial, or they ignorant assholes. Aren't you plagued with dread? Aren't you convinced we're all doomed? How can you live in this world and not feel that way?
Or is it just me?
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